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[personal profile] icassop
Honestly, I have no idea why I thought going back to university was a good idea. Why, why, why...?!
If you read my last rant, you'd think I'd be happy that I got accepted. But now I just think that I must be mad to ever believe that going back to the dreadful studying was the way to go.

Classes start in October and I still need to send out my enrollment application. Studying costs a lot of money. Money that I don't have. And how do I know that I won't fail my classes because of fucking maths... I haven't done anything more than a bit of calcuating prices, percentages and a bit more complex stuff in my online astronomy class in the last SIX YEARS.

*bangs head against wall*
I'm so fucking doomed. Why the heck did I think this is gonna help me. Why, why, why...?!

I wish I were a cat. Do whatever I want, come and go as I please, no responsibilities, no duties. I'm so not fit to be human o|¯|_

Also, the worst thing is that I don't even know what else to do if not going back to uni. A friend asked me that yesterday. He wanted to know what I wanted to do on short term, like the next month. I had no clue. Isn't that pathetic? I have no ambitions, no goal, no reason to live (nah, not gonna think about suicide, don't worry). Wouldn't it be nice to be Patrick from Spongebob? Literally live under a rock, have no money but still be happy as fuck. And you'd be so dumb you wouldn't even realise how pathetic your life is.

...and that shows how fucking lost I am in life. Just like 1.5 years ago. Nothing has changed.
The only commendable thing I have started since then is picking up writing as a new hobby. I may or may not post something here for you to read. It will be f-locked though.

*sighs and crawls back into bed*

Date: 2013-08-14 08:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jukebox-csi.livejournal.com
I admire you for doing it. I don't think I could ever talk myself into it. it's hard enough motivating myself to do continuing education courses in my career field now as it is.

I guess the question to think about is what do you think you might like to do or have a talent for doing? If it's something that you could make enough money to live comfortably on, then maybe focus on that? I dunno.

*gives an encouraging pat on the back*

Date: 2013-08-16 12:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] icassop.livejournal.com
Thanks! I somehow didn't think of my decision to go back to uni to be sth special. I was and still am just more scared of the idea that this might be a wrong choice, or that I'll fail. But my sis recently gave me a link about decision-making in life and how it wasn't bad to fail and try out things. So I guess I'll just see how it goes for the first semester. If it's truly sth I don't want to pursue, I can still quit. It may make a dent in my bank account but at least I will know what I want or not want to do.

I have thought of various things to make into a career but there are so many things I think I could do (and possibly be fairly good at it as well) but fail to choose and thus stunt my own motivation.

For me, I believe that I didn't feel what I was doing was enough a few months ago. Maybe that's why I decided to return to studying in a new field. And maybe you feel comfortable with your work atm. I know that one always feels the need to reach higher but if you feel good right there where you are, why not stay?
My sister recently quit her job because she just couldn't stand it anymore. She worked PR at an agency and she's been complaining about it since November last year. She finally had the courage to resign which I'm really proud of.

I guess when you feel sth isn't right for you, you should go change it. Although I have to admit that I had application deadlines to meet, otherwise I'd still be moping around and only thinking about studying again XD

Thanks for your words. Hearing from others really helped me cope with this situation. I'm still apprehensive about it all but I don't feel like running anymore *hugs* =)

Date: 2013-08-16 07:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pgrief.livejournal.com
*hugs* (*^3^)/~☆

I can sympathize with your frustrations. I have days when I feel like I've failed to achieve the goals I've set out for myself when I was younger, and that I'm not going anywhere with my life. Some days I feel so overwhelmed with all of my responsibilities that I just want to be a NEET lol.

Like jukebox_csi said, think about what you're going to enjoy doing or where your talent will shine. I think for some people it takes a bit more time for everything to fall into place, but things will work out eventually. I'm now in my 3rd career choice switch and still not sure if this is the right path x_x


Post them! Ever since I've started reading slash fics, I've also been entertaining the idea of writing too. I have an old journal back when I was undergrad that was full of webcomic ideas/timelines to use (that never went anywhere or were halfway finished lol). But I think my writing style has no flair and that it would just come out boring/stiff.

Date: 2013-08-16 01:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] icassop.livejournal.com
I had goals when I was young. But they mainly concerned education, like graduating high school and getting a degree in sth. After that, however, I just didn't have a goal anymore, and I guess that's what really threw me off, which is why I'm here in life inbetween things =/

I've also tried out many things just for fun mainly. But "career" sounds to me like set in stone, unchangeable for life. At some point, I thought it would be cool to start a music career because I was in a rock band for 4 years. But then we disbanded and that idea faded. I still play music in my free time though but I don't think I'm anywhere good enough to be professional.

In high school, we had to choose 2 majors (and several minor subjects) and one of mine was art. I was really good, especially with hyper-realism (sort of) and I thought about studying design after graduating. But the selection process at universities kind of spooked me because you had to be really good to be chosen. I knew I could probably be good if I put some time and effort into it but time was a factor I couldn't ignore (had to do with exemption of tuition fees etc.), so I decided on japan studies and book sciences instead. What I did learn from that though is that I'm not made for the publishing world. I feel absolutely uncomfortable working with those ppl in this field. Nothing against them personally but I'm just of a different mindset. I wouldn't have fit in.

I've done some translation work here and there (and now also in scanlations) but after getting rejected from a few places that didn't think I was good enough, I kinda gave up on the idea as well. I'll still do translations if someone asks but I'm not a professional and my text may sound a bit wonky.

And now, ironically, I work as an interface/website/graphics designer at my brother's small company. Granted, I only got the job because of family connections and because they needed someone cheap to do the grunt work but it's kinda fun to do. I don't regret studying Japanese but it sucks now that I can't just apply at other places without a certification of my skills. I learnt all my knowledge with Photoshop through scanlating o_O; and after having to maintain my group's website, I also learnt a bit of coding and webdesign.

However, if my stories actually take off, maybe I should consider a career as author XD
I will post the first chapter of my current story when I have more chapters written. There are still some plot points that I need to figure out.

Thanks for commenting! We all need more or less time to find what we want to do in life. I'm curious though if ppl who have found their life goal early on, are truly happy with their lives.


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