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For the last two weeks I've been working non-stop, through weekends, too. It's a never-ending cycle. A bit repetitive, too, like that Rihanna song "Work". (Lyrics nowadays are stupid dumb shit.) Today I also got my first official employment contract which I've only skimmed so far. But from what I can see, I'm not liking it.

You might wonder why it's only my first contract. Haven't I been working for a few years? I have, but it is more of a pseudo-freelance half-employed thing? I get paid by the hour and I also get the benefits of health insurance, pension scheme, unemployment insurance etc., however, no paid vacation or sick leave. Basically, if I don't work, I don't get paid (whether it's because there is no work, or because I'm sick or I'm gone on vacation), but at least I don't have to pay health insurance and I can put a (very) little something into my pension.

So this contract is making me think very hard about my current work and, consequently, my financial situation. At first, it sounds really nice to have a fixed salary every month even when there's not much work but what made me pause is this tidbit about working through weekends, holidays and other overtime work - unpaid. (It happens a lot.) Obviously, I need to dust off my maths skills and calculate the difference but the thought of working without getting paid sounds like, well, bullshit to me. Who wants that?

My work philosophy is (or has been?) to work as little as possible and to keep as much free time for myself and for the things that I WANT to do. However, am I wrong to think like that? To want to have time for myself? Working all the time even with getting paid for it, I don't know if that's the life I want to live. Living to work =/= working to live. I would very welcome the unconditional basic income. (And don't we need that at some point when robots and machines take over almost all work from humans?) That would actually allow me to work by my philosophy. But right now, that is not feasible. And it brings me to this point: money.

At the moment - and I'm not ashamed to say this - I still live (or rather again, since I did move out for a prolonged time for my studies) with my parents, rent-free. Mostly because I still had to pay off my student loan debts and also, because I don't like big cities with the constant sounds of cars and people, and too many people. But my loans are now finally paid off (YAY) and I was thinking of moving out. But moving costs money, my own flat would cost a lot of money. Not only the rent, but also furniture, electricity, water, internet, TV license (no kidding, fucking useless fee imo) and other stuff. The thing is, I don't think either work situations (my current or with the contract) would be able to support me living on my own comfortably, especially anywhere in the close vicinity to my workplace. It reminds me of my sister's friend who showed us her place in LA where she was studying. A bare mattress on the floor, her suitcase as a desk and cardboard boxes for storage. Nothing else in the flat. That's how I would possibly live if I moved out...

It's always about money and that's something I don't always like to think about. I feel like if I had a definite purpose or goal in my life, it would be easier for me not to feel overwhelmed by this. I could just work towards that goal. But I've also learnt that you don't need a goal in life, especially when you're trying to be happy.

Being an adult is so hard =(  and I've been adulting for many years already... I still don't feel ready .___.
But then again, most people just wing it =/ 
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